(via skeletallic)
04.06.12
I have no one.
I’m an absolute wreck.
And I just need to talk to someone.
I cant talk to my boyfriend because I stress him out.
I tried anyways though, and that just made things worse.
I can’t talk to the two people who would understand how I’m feeling because I don’t want them to think I’m doing this for attention.
But I tried anyways. And instead of talking to me he asked if I wanted his girlfriend to talk to me. I don’t know her at all.
I can’t talk to my friends because it’d kill me to put this weight on their shoulders.
This is the problem. I’ve got no one. I’m alone.
02.06.12
Today I was reassured of something I know since I was about five. My sister is the favorite. My while family shows it. While I was little, my dad would hold a pillow over MY face until I blacked out, he locked ME in the closet for a day, he punched ME like I was a full grown man, he abused ME. My grandpa molested ME every time I visited him, he locked me in a trailer and tried to rape ME, he said he was going to kill ME. My mom punishes ME not her, my mom only yells at ME, she only slaps ME across the face, she only tells ME to disappear, she tells ME to be more like my sister.
When my sister got home, she said she was going to stay the night at a friends house. She got “grounded” in Monday. I asked my mom why she was allowed to go out while she’s grounded, and her response was “because she’s a good kid.” I’ve been grounded/on lockdown for six weeks. A strict punishment with no exceptions. And I’m ungrounded today, and still not allowed to go anywhere.
Prom is tomorrow and Im not allowed to hang out afterwards with my friends because my boyfriend and a few other guys will be there. My mom told me that she “knew exactly what I’d be doing with all the guys there.” I just started my period Thursday. She told me I’d get “fucked up and get passed around.” I don’t drink. I’m extremely against drugs of all kind. And I take sex very seriously.
She then went on to tell me that I was unappreciative of everyone, and that I’m ungrateful and treat everyone like shit. She told me that she wishes I disappeared so she wouldn’t have to put up with my bullshit anymore. She told me that I was a waste of space and I needed to fix that.
My family is always telling me things like this. “Your just in the way of everything.” “All your doing is taking away your sister’s limelight.” “Things would be so much easier if you weren’t here to bring everyone down.” “Your honestly a waste of life, you treat everyone like shit.” They are constantly trying to push me over the edge. And after what my mom told me, I’m not too sure that I can fight that anymore.
A person can only take so much. I’ve got a family telling me to kill myself, my ‘friends’ call me fake, pathetic, and attention seeking. I never hang out with anyone. I’m so lonely.
I mean, I’ve got all this weight on my shoulders. And tonight it’s too heavy to hold. Everyones pushing me toward the edge, but I’m already there.
It’s a constant battle, and I’m tired of fighting.
01.06.12
